Guide on hosting a Hackney Hipster Party!

Dear Ian Blaney Esq.

(who is leaving his E9 house, and hosting a tribute to the good (or indeed 'rude') Citizens of London Fields and Broadway Market.)

These things are 'trending' currently in the East:

• Gourmet popcorn/coloured popcorn - ideally in toxic green/garish purple
• whoopie pies 
• fresh blooms from Columbia Market
• Turkish flatbreads
• tiny choux buns with vanilla creme filling
• taxidermy (especially multiple rooks in various states of plagentness) 
• bubble tea (this is a de-constructed tapioca pearl -based drink)
• good old-fashioned, plain-speaking dim sum
• cup-cake vending machines that require credit-card payment
• dead and pinioned butterflies in wooden boxes (noooooooooooooo.........)
• anti-salons where one can have ones ends 'frazzled', 'roughed-up', or simply dye ones hair pale pink/ grey (old-fashioned I know)
• subtle tattoos in classy italics on gals
• manly, complex cocktails i.e. hay-infused gin, bitter rhubarb (is there any other kind?) martinis
• winegums laquered with boat varnish and worn as jewellery
• precious gems cut as winegums
• serving juice in apple crates whilst wearing a puritan apron in a white-washed spartan room
• sitting on tea-chests
• wolves mating in the background
• golden thrones
• false eyelashes IN NEON not black - we hate Kim Kardashian ya know.
• more taxidermy
• asymmetric hair (I'm looking at you Ian)  
• asymmetric peroxide hair (still looking at you Ian)
• having yer hair done whilst a taxidermied fox eyes ya up!!
• posing in haute couture whilst eating coco pops
• experimental pop-up shops especially those involving collaboration between vinyl and flash-mobbing
• theft
• accesorizing ones slightly fluffy peroxide shag with a distended cream fur gilet
• painting ginormous floor-art with ones tits (if one posseses these)
• vibrating cult triangles (no, me neither)

I now hereby lay forth my vision for a Hackney tribute party:

1. garlands fashioned from newspaper
2. garlands fashioned from garishly-coloured popcorn
3. pom-poms fashioned from newspaper
4. ask local hoodlums to graffiti tag the dining-room wall (this doubles as a leaving gift to landlord)
5. bowls of garish popcorn
6. bowls of sweets
7. Turkish flatbreads 
8. Myself (Nadia) dressed in Prada's 2011 tribute to looking like a Russian fish, via. asos.com
9. Myself having a change of heart and deciding to attend as a slashie (this means I have 3 jobs which are: trapeze artist/ blogger at www.neotrendyechoingnoises.com* / internet tv presenter)
10. #8 and #9 are on further thought NOT mutually exclusive, and may be successfully combined.

hugs and kisses xxxx Nadia

*N.B. This does not exist - I made it up.

P.S. Please add further suggestions...